It's not an uncommon fear. Not all women feel that way when they are pregnant, but many do (including me). And for some inexplicable reason, people still feel the need to reach out an pet my body -- sometimes without my consent.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I'm beyond excited to meet our baby boy in April. But that doesn't mean I want your paws all over me. And there are plenty of legitimate reasons why.
- You didn't bother to ask.
This should be obvious, and yet there are still lots of people who squeal in delight at my burgeoning bump and exclaim "I just can't help it!" Yes, yes you can. Presumably you're a grown adult with self control. And if you're not, then there are bigger issues at play here. This is especially bad if you're a stranger or don't know me that well, but the same holds true for family and close friends. Not asking is not only rude, but offensive to me. - You did bother to ask (thank you), I said no, and you went ahead and ignored me.
This not only tells me that a.) your question was not sincere, and b.) you don't respect me or my body. You weren't asking me to actually find out if I was comfortable with you rubbing my belly like a Buddha statue. You were asking to try and appear polite, but decided ahead of time you were going to give in to your own selfish instincts anyways. If this is the case, don't bother asking. This is even worse than not asking. - I am sometimes uncomfortable saying no.
Early on, I was hesitant to tell people not to touch my belly. Oftentimes, they were family or close friends asking, and out of guilt or some subconscious feeling of needing to conform to the social norms, I hesitantly said 'ok.' That's started to wear off as the full IDGAF-itis that sometimes comes with pregnancy is kicking into full gear. But there still may be times I'm tired or I'm distracted and hesitantly say 'ok.' Please try to read body language and tone. It matters. - It makes me uncomfortable.
Impending motherhood is a crazy time. I mean, I'm growing a freakin' tiny human. It's not only amazingly cool, it can be amazingly stressful. My body is going through all sorts of changes that I don't always understand. For the first few months, it's not outwardly visible, but now that it is, I feel fully on display. All the time. Some days I feel great. Other days I feel fat, bloated and grumpy. Those aren't good feelings to have when you feel like a spotlight is constantly on you. Then all of a sudden, somebody wants to reach out and touch my belly? I think not. I will not think twice about swatting your hand away. Trust me - if you thought I was feisty before, you haven't seen hormonal me. I don't reach out an rub your belly because it's weird. There are literally no other circumstances that I can think of in which someone would touch another person's body forcibly or without consent and not have the cops called on them. - You're not going to feel the baby kick (at least for now).
I'm only 4 1/2 months along, so this may change at some point, but right now, you're not going to feel the baby kick. I'm not 100% sure I've even felt the baby kick. So I don't know what you're really looking for by reaching out and petting me like a puppy. - Do you even know where the baby is right now?
Again, because I'm only about halfway into this pregnancy, the baby is not really in my belly (I mean, babies never are in the mother's stomach, but if you need me to explain that to you, again, we have bigger issues to deal with). But right now, the baby is sitting very low -- right near my privates. And if you touch me there, I will call the cops on you (likely after I pop you square in the jaw). - It's sexist and archaic.
Think about it. We don't go around cupping the father-to-be's junk. Can you even imagine something like that happening in today's society? You'd be punched and arrested so fast it's not even funny. Yet somehow, women's bodies seem to be fair game. Yes, people often aren't reaching that low, but still, what gives you the right to touch my body when I don't want you to? Nothing. Literally nothing. - You could be putting mine and my baby's health at risk.
This is especially true for me, being pregnant during the prime of cold & flu season. I have gotten my flu shot, but I don't know that you got yours. And even then, it's still not 100% effective. I don't know if you've been sick. And you might not either (colds are often contagious before we start showing symptoms). And while most of us can kick a cold easily, pregnant women are immunocompromised. When a woman becomes pregnant, her immune system relaxes so the body's defenses don't attack the baby by mistaking it to be a foreign, nefarious illness. Plus, pregnant women are extremely limited in what medications they can take safely without harming baby. I just spent the last week and a half trying to kick a nasty head cold with orange juice, tissues and rest. It sucked. Luckily for me, I didn't have a fever, but if I had, it could put both me and my baby at serious risk. The baby's immune system is still developing and is in its critical phases. By reaching out, you could be putting both my baby and me at risk. - I am constantly worried about every decision I make and its impact on my baby.
Being pregnant comes with all sorts of new rules for how I must live my life. No alcohol. Don't eat certain foods. Make sure your meat is cooked thoroughly. Don't use certain cleaning products...or shampoos...or lotions. The list of things that could potentially put your baby at risk is endless. You know what else is on the list? Exposure to other people and their germs. This ties into the bullet point above slightly, but I also don't know the last time you washed your hands. I don't know if you've been working around cars or chemicals that could put me and my baby at risk. And if you're not pregnant or haven't had a pregnant partner, odds are good you're not well-versed in what a pregnant woman should and shouldn't be exposed to. - Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman scorned.
I like to think that I have a normally sweet disposition. But people will tell you I get feisty in a hurry if I feel wronged. Throw some hormones into the mix and I'll go full mother bear on you. And fast.
Bottom line, if you're not me, my husband or my doctor:
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
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