To say pregnancy can be hard would be the understatement of ... well, how long have humans been around? I knew morning sickness, nausea and fatigue would be rough (and they were). I've prepped myself as much as I can for the pain of child birth. But there's one thing I'm still struggling with: learning to love the way my body looks.
Nowadays, it's common for moms-to-be to post beautiful, loving Instagram and Facebook posts of their 'beautiful baby bumps' week by week, comparing baby's size to different fruits and veggies. Meantime, I'm sitting over here, barely able to bend over in my sweats, struggling to go up a flight of stairs without getting winded, feeling constantly like a bloated blimp with a double chin and wondering 'why the hell don't I feel like they do?!'
I should note, I've gained what my doctor says is a perfectly normal, healthy amount of weight in my pregnancy. I've taken extra steps to make sure I eat healthy (at least mostly. Sometimes baby just wants ice cream.) But it hasn't been easy watching the numbers on the scale go up, and up, and up.
Society tells women they should be 'glowing' during pregnancy. That they should feel wonderful about the new life they're bringing into the world. All that 'kumbaya' crap. And don't get me wrong, I'm in awe that my body just knows what to do in order grow and incubate a new human life for 9 months. It's nothing short of incredible. But that doesn't mean I like the way I look.
I've never had the best body image. I've always been on the short side (sorry, kiddo -- I hope you get your father's genes on that one!), and curvier. It took me years to be comfortable with how I looked.
I just like food too damn much, and dislike exercise with an equal passion. It's a combo that's had me yo-yo-ing my weight a bit over the years. Nothing drastic -- but I certainly noticed when my jeans would get too tight or my love handles poked out too much, even if others didn't. And then I'd begrudgingly schlep off to the gym to 'work it off.'
And then I got pregnant the first time. It was a rush of excitement and adrenaline after we had been trying for months. I was thrilled at the prospect of a new baby -- and hadn't given much thought to what my body would look like. It turned out, I didn't get a chance to see much of a change. I miscarried after about 12 weeks.
It was devastating. And at first, I over-indulged to cope. In a glass of wine or two. In an extra piece of cake. In pizza for lunch just 'cause. I gave myself license to grieve through food and drink. And naturally, my weight crept back up. But after months of neglecting the gym -- a place I really couldn't handle going initially -- I finally started to try and get myself back into shape. I wanted to be healthy again so we could hopefully conceive again.
And just as I was approaching my goal weight, I found out that again, I was pregnant. This time, there was a mix of excitement and fear. But fortunately (*knock on wood*) all appears to be going just fine this time.
But now I sit here, at 32 weeks pregnant, trying to cope with how my body looks. Mentally, I understand
why my body looks the way it does. I am carrying an extra person -- and all the physical equipment needed to keep that little nugget alive for 9 months. I get it. But I try not to glance in the full-length mirror at the end of the hallway because I just don't like the way I look. I avoid selfies because there's just no angle I can get that doesn't highlight my double chin.
While many women document their burgeoning bumps week by week on social media, I haven't. And in retrospect, that has actually made things harder. Partially, because people who haven't seen me in a while (like before I was really showing) are now in a bit of shock when they do see me in person. Most are kind enough to say how wonderful I look, but there are still some things that I can't believe people say.
"Look how big you are!"
"If you think you're big now -- just wait!"
"You must be getting close to your due date!"
"You look like you're ready to pop!"
For the record, none of these statements are helpful. Or kind. It's not something you would (or should) say to someone who wasn't pregnant. So why do people think it's acceptable to say it to those who are?
Pregnant women are especially vulnerable. Our hormones are out of whack. Our bodies are changing day by day. Things that used to be easy for us aren't anymore. Our moods change constantly. And on top of all that, we're preparing for labor and then taking care of a new life. It's a lot to handle -- mentally, emotionally and physically. And to add comments -- no matter how well intentioned -- on top of that can really mess with you.
What's scary is most people who say these things are completely unaware of how they come off. You may say "you look like you're ready to pop!" meaning "look how close you are to having a new baby!" But what I hear is "you may only be 7 1/2 months pregnant, but you're fat enough to look like you're 9 months pregnant." It's not a good feeling.
Shockingly, not all the comments I get that make me self-conscious about how I'm looking come from men. In fact, most of the time, they come from women. Other women who are mothers. Other women who are mothers who should really know better. Don't you remember how you felt when
you were pregnant?
And that's not to say everyone hasn't been supportive. Many people have been. And for that, I am very grateful. I just wish it wasn't the norm to go negative when commenting on my changing body. It's not okay to say these things about anyone -- let alone pregnant women.
Normally, I prefer people to be truthful with me. But in this case, I'd rather you lie. Let's say you didn't sleep well last night, and feel like you look kind of schlumpy in the morning. If someone said to you "you look extra tired today," how would you feel? Not great, right? It may be true, but that doesn't mean it needs to be highlighted.
Instead, offer a helpful or positive message:
"You look great! How are you feeling?" (and actually listen to their answer and respond with empathy)
"You're glowing!"
"Hang in there! I know it can be tough!"
"You look beautiful!"
Or better yet, don't comment on their body at all. We need to fundamentally change the way we approach this topic. We've come a long way in terms of body image positivity in recent years, but for some reason, the memo hasn't gotten around to everyone -- especially when it comes to pregnant women. Our bodies are not here for you to judge. They are here to incubate and bring a new life into this world. Full. Stop.
This also goes for postpartum, when our societal expectations are even more ridiculous. Most women aren't celebrities that have the resources to hire a personal chef and trainer to "whip them back into shape" in a matter of weeks. Most new moms don't have the energy to go to the gym (early on, we're lucky to get a few hours of sleep a night). Plus we're probably still sore from child birth. We may also not be eating healthy meals because we're too busy trying to keep a baby alive -- and that's a round-the-clock kind of gig. Not to mention, despite what happens for some, breastfeeding doesn't always help magically melt all the weight off.
And frankly, we shouldn't put pressure on women to look exactly like they did before having a baby. Their body grew a new life and carried it for 9 months. They should be proud of that -- and of their new mom bod.
